Today I have been playing hookey – well I have taken a day off work sick. I don’t have a cold or flu or any other ailment etc I am just tired, in fact exhausted. I haven’t been sleeping very well for months now, in fact since my sister died suddenly last October. I am out like a light each night but am waking any time from 3am to 5am and then can’t get back to sleep. On top of that this week I have had a niggling headache maybe due to the lack of sleep. This morning it all got too much – I got ready for work, made a pack lunch etc but my eyes were so tired and to be honest I don’t think it would have taken much for me to burst into tears. So after a chat with my boss I went back to bed for the morning. I have now been out and got some stronger headache tablets and some herbal remedies which hopefully will help me sleep properly.
On my drive to the chemist I found my mind waundering and contemplating life and why I might not be sleeping. Work isn’t helping. Whilst I love my job it is constantly stressful and I really don’t feel that I am on top of things in fact as I told my boss this morning I feel completely overwhelmed. My boss wondered if my sleep problems were a delayed reaction to the loss of my sister and maybe this is true. My Mum thinks I have got into the habit of waking early. I don’t know if either of them is right or whether it is something deeper.
I find myself wondering whether I have the work/life balance right. I normally say I love my job but at the moment it is just tiring and draining. I find myself hankering to be at home – actually in the garden. I have worked all my adult life and often long hours as well as bringing up two children on my own for the last 15 years. I have always been sensible and responsible but there is part of me that hankers to throw caution to the wind and do something different. Maybe this is a bit of a mid-life crisis.
I have found my attitude to life has changed since my sister died. Losing someone well before their time, she was 37, makes you look at life differently. I have already blown the money I had saved for a new dining room suite on taking the boys on holiday to Italy in July and I am wondering if this change of attitude is behind some of my tiredness. Work is not satisfying me, I am envious of others who don’t have to be in an office from 9 to 5, who can explore their passions for gardening and plants but I know that at the moment I am just not in a position to give up a full time salary. I really want my own nursery but know that this is unlikely to provide sufficient income to pay my mortgage so I am hoping that this lethergy is a temporary thing and that the herbal remedies I bought today will help to redress my sleep problem.
Part of me wonders if I am suffering with some form of depression and maybe this is so. However, whilst I am struggling to get a decent night sleep and work is proving too much I have got a new man in my life who has been a wonderful support over the last few months. We have a shared love of growing things, although his is for vegetables whilst mine is flowers, and spending time with him and his friends has been a real tonic.
Maybe this is all part of the grieving process and I need to give myself more time. In the meantime I am focusing all my spare energy and time on getting the garden ready in time for the Meet@Malvern event and looking forward to meeting lots more garden bloggers.