In need of peace, harmony and sleep

Iris reticultata Harmony

Iris reticulata Harmony

Today I have been playing hookey – well I have taken a day off  work sick.  I don’t have a cold or flu or any other ailment etc I am just tired, in fact exhausted.  I haven’t been sleeping very  well for months now, in fact since my sister died suddenly last October.  I am out like a light each  night but am waking  any time from 3am to 5am and then can’t get back to sleep.  On top of  that this week I have had a niggling headache maybe due to the lack of sleep.  This morning it all got too much – I got ready for work, made a pack lunch etc but my eyes were so tired and to be honest I  don’t think it would have taken much for me to burst into tears.  So after a chat with my boss I went back to bed for the morning. I have now been out and got some stronger headache tablets and some herbal remedies which hopefully will help me sleep  properly.

On my drive  to the chemist I  found my mind  waundering and contemplating life  and why I might not be sleeping.  Work isn’t helping.  Whilst I love my job it  is constantly stressful and  I really don’t feel that I am on top of things in fact as I told my boss this morning I feel completely overwhelmed.  My boss wondered if my sleep problems were a delayed  reaction to the loss of my sister and maybe this is true.  My Mum thinks I have got into the habit of waking early.  I don’t know if either of them is right or whether it is something deeper.

I  find myself wondering whether I have the work/life balance right.  I normally  say I love my job but at the moment it is just tiring and draining.  I  find myself hankering to be  at home – actually in the garden.  I have worked all my adult life and often long hours as well as bringing  up two children on  my own  for  the  last 15 years.  I have always been sensible and responsible  but there is part of me that  hankers to throw caution to the wind and do something different.  Maybe this  is a bit of a mid-life  crisis.  

I have found my attitude to life has changed since my sister died.  Losing someone well before their time, she was 37, makes you look at life differently.  I have already blown the money I had saved for a new dining room suite on taking the boys on holiday to Italy in July and I am wondering if this change of attitude is behind some of my tiredness.  Work is not satisfying me, I am envious of others who don’t have to be in an office from 9 to 5, who can explore their passions for gardening and plants but I know that at the moment  I am just not in a position to  give up a full time salary. I really want my own  nursery but know that this is unlikely to provide sufficient income to pay my mortgage so I am hoping that this lethergy is a temporary thing and that the herbal remedies I bought today will help to redress my sleep problem.

Part of me wonders if I am suffering with some form of depression and maybe this is so.  However, whilst I am struggling to get a decent night sleep and work is proving too much I have got a new man in my life  who has been a wonderful support over the last few months. We have a shared love of growing things, although his is for vegetables whilst mine is flowers, and spending time with him  and his friends has been a real tonic.

Maybe this is all  part of the grieving process and I need to give myself more time.  In the meantime I am focusing all my spare energy and time on getting the garden ready in time for the Meet@Malvern event and looking forward to meeting lots  more garden bloggers.